If you are a pastor, you know how it feels.
It’s the phone call, the appointment, the whispered news. “We’re leaving the church.”
As much as they say “It’s not about you”, it usually feels like it is. It starts as a lump in the pit of your stomach that slowly makes it’s way up the twists and turns of internal plumbing, until it gets stuck firmly in the back of your throat. You didn’t see it coming and the hurt is commensurate to the level of the relationship. The closer the connection, the more intense the pain.
I watched my Dad and Mom deal with it in churches when I was growing up. Dad externalized, Mom did the opposite. She would hide her hurt behind the duties of raising a family, but I’d see her tears and wonder what was really going on. You didn’t have to wonder with dad. He would sometimes vent his hurt on those who didn’t leave, using thinly veiled references in sermons or conversations. These days I see evidence of the same in hurting pastors twitters and blog posts. It’s hard to keep communication above the fray when your heart feels like it’s been kicked to the curb.
None of us are immune. In the early days of starting Seacoast, I used to wince when someone asked for an appointment. “Was this another ‘core team member’ hanging up their spurs?”, I’d think to myself. It seemed to happen about once a month and I’d become a little gun-shy. Even these days I’ll feel that lump from time to time.
Occasionally, when I meet a newcomer that has transferred from a local church, I’ll wonder how much pain our “success” has caused area pastors?
Why do people leave?
- Sometimes people leave because of a misunderstanding. Some of the people who left in the early years thought that Seacoast was going to be different than it was. Some couldn’t understand the vision or wanted it too be more like the mother church or another church they had been comfortable in.
- Some people leave because of an offense. A lady told me once that her family was leaving the church because I had not acknowledged her or her husband in several social settings. Truthfully, I couldn’t recall any of them, but they had left an impression on her, so they left. Often they are offended with others in the church and rather than facing the issue, they just leave.
- Some people leave because the excitement of the new has worn off. Long term relationships are difficult to maintain, whether it be in a marriage, a friendship, or a church relationship. In our bigger, better, faster culture it’s easy to become enamored with the new and shiny rather than put the investment in renewing what seems old and dull.
- Some people leave because it is the sovereign will of God. He has a new assignment, a specific mission, or a better fit somewhere else for this season of life. Almost everyone who leaves chooses door #4, and for some, it’ may actually be the true motivation.
- Some leaders internalize it – they become paralyzed by the rejection. They risk isolation and distancing themselves from future relationships in order to avoid further pain.
- Some leaders externalize it – they lash out to anyone who will listen. They risk collateral damage as they are processing thru their pain.
- Some leaders learn from it - they realize that sometimes people leave. They learn to process it in a healthy way and move forward stronger from the experience.
So, how do you respond?
Next time we’ll look at how Jesus handled the rejection of close followers and suggest some ways that leaders can survive when people choose to leave.
Does this ring true to you? Have I missed anything so far?
To read Part 2 – “How did Jesus handle rejection?” you can click HERE
I love the reasons. However they are all noted under the presupposition that the church being left is healthy. Granted, there is no such thing as a perfect church. ( To use the cliche). But pastors must be able to measure the health of the church they are leading. Theologically, doctrinally, and in vision.
Comment by John Garrison — October 26, 2010 @ 11:15 am
This is not original with my husband, but he says "church is like a bus. People get on, people get off. The bus driver doesn't take it personally." He is much better at "not taking it personally," than I am, especially when the ones leaving are people we have grown close to, some who have even said "we'll never leave this church, no matter what." The other difficulty is when people leave but don't tell you they're leaving…they just disappear. I don't get that at all!
Comment by Diane Green — October 26, 2010 @ 11:21 am
Great post!
I think the main challenge with me has been not to isolate myself from people. Especially new people coming to the church. I really don’t want to hold people at arms length but really with an open hand. Also, being a pastor that is approachable has helped in communicating with those that want to move on for a number of reasons, though it still never easy. Thanks again for a great post.
Comment by Jared — October 26, 2010 @ 11:26 am
Bro, amazingly helpful post. We're a young church and are starting to experience some of this. I'm trying to learn from it, but I feel at times I've done both internalizing and externalizing. Being a young church plant, rejection of the church often feels like (or I would say is) a rejection of me as the lead pastor who sets and communicates the vision as he works to hear from and be obedient to Jesus. However, on the other side, we have had a couple people move because of jobs, etc and it has been good to be able to "send" people who don't want to leave but God is taking. Those bring the lump as well…but in a much different way.
Comment by Noah Oldham — October 26, 2010 @ 11:37 am
John – Good point, sometimes a church is highly dysfunctional (all are somewhat dysfunctional, they have people in them)
Dianne – Your husband is a good man. In my experience, it is often the wife that feels the hurt the most
Jared – I miss your help on the weekend!
Comment by admin — October 26, 2010 @ 11:44 am
That is huge issue and huge potential frustration for many pastors. Great post.
Comment by Dion Evans — October 26, 2010 @ 12:00 pm
Great insight. I can empathize with the "lump in your throat" response. We're a young church, but in three years we've already experienced folks leaving a number of times. I've discovered that my reaction to folks leaving fluctuates depending on not only the amount of relational investment I've had with the family, but also the reason for their leaving. It hurts much more when their leaving is because of something I said or did. Only recently have we had a number of families leave because of things I've said, and it is a much deeper pain than when someone leaves because they don't like the thickness of the cushion in the sanctuary seats.
I've had all three responses that yo note. I've internalized, which led to depression. I've externalized, which led to anger and resentment. Hopefully, by God's grace, I will learn from this time, and grow to be a more faithful shepherd.
Comment by Ken Rucker — October 26, 2010 @ 12:29 pm
I find iIt helps to read the story of Gideon. I do bleed to some degree every time someone leaves. I'm not sure it's healthy being flippant about their departure or overly obsessed about it. John Maxwell said he used to drag them back on the bus when they wanted off. He finally learned to just let them go. It's not easy!
Comment by Ron Bontrager — October 26, 2010 @ 3:03 pm
Great post that this greatly appreciated. As a pastor, nothing kicks me in the gut worse that getting that news. On two occasions I found out before worship and once, the husband came to the front of the church during the greeting time, right before preaching, to let me know they were leaving! I preached the sermon in a daze.
I think it’s healthy to pray and ask what God may be teaching you through it. In many cases, it’s not your fault. In some cases ministry blind spots and weaknesses can be addressed and sin confessed.
This particular problem often surfaces the idol of the heart all pastors face of being a people pleaser. God can do a good work in leading us to Himself in new areas of repentance and greater rest in Christ’s acceptance.
Comment by Paul — October 26, 2010 @ 3:53 pm
Been through all 3. Internalizing, externalizing, learning. Great post. Thanks a ton.
Comment by Ross Appleton — October 26, 2010 @ 3:55 pm
We wouldn’t be pastors if it didn’t hurt a little. I guess the key is to learn to deal with it in a healthy way and to learn something from it. Great post and very timely.
Comment by Brett — October 26, 2010 @ 3:57 pm
Guilty.As.Charged.
Hard to let it go when you've invested so much and when the people you've invested it in seemed to really "get" the church and what you are passionate about. I haven't handled it well lately.
Comment by dwilsonfl — October 26, 2010 @ 4:47 pm
Well done, Greg. You have put in words what so many pastors go through on a regular basis.
Comment by MaurilioAmorim — October 26, 2010 @ 5:53 pm
I agree with the post above and I will find more information from google.
Comment by David Cobb — October 26, 2010 @ 7:23 pm
Awesome post dealing with some of the real issues of Pastoral ministry. A pastor is a shepherd and when one sheep leaves the herd it does affect us. It can affect us because of the void that they are leaving or it can affect us because we are still figuring yourself out as a pastor.
As a recent church plant in the Boston area we have experienced some of our core team leaving. Most have not been because of offenses but because for many Boston is a transient destination.
Early in planting a mentor told us that we should be prepared for the population that we are serving. Knowing that Boston is a college town we have to remember that our membership will fluctuate even in the early years. I remember the story of Mark batterson when he started national community church. He said that in the beginning during holiday breaks attendance would drop because of the number of college students in the congregation.
So my solution has been to readjust my expectations in the beginning and also process the feelings of loss in a healthy manner. I think any pastor that says people leaving doesn’t affect them is probably internalizing it. But even though it affects me, I try not to let it get me away from working towards the vision. I believe that if I am faithful with the ones the Lord sends me for the season that he sends them, God will multiply those who will come.
Comment by Joseph Ardayfio — October 26, 2010 @ 7:37 pm
What is the healthy way to deal with people leaving? I’ve done all the above and would love to hear a healthy way.
Comment by Chuck M — October 26, 2010 @ 9:36 pm
I have a obstacle I struggled with since leaving the church we attended and felt a closeness that we didn't think we would ever be able to replace that after moving to another state. I still download sermons and contact our former pastor , as I did recently, when something incredible happens, good or bad. My wife in particular could get that comfort from any other church and I felt left in the cold. I was ready to move on and one day while attending a church that I really liked and my wife sort of liked I said " I want to become a member here. I personally needed to felt that relationship with God and didn't feel comfortable not having that. I might as well have slapped her in the face and she said do what you want. WOW I felt left in the cold. So I guess my point here is it is really hard to move and have a mutual feeling about where to worship. Now we have had some relationship tips and turns that need religious counsel and she refuses to go. I am now deep in the word and that is what I needed for sure, but I pray and worry about her. Sorry got on a roll and needed to vent.
Comment by Mike — October 26, 2010 @ 10:17 pm
Should have read that before posting…..a few typo's
Comment by Mike — October 26, 2010 @ 10:19 pm
Thanks for posting. Looking forward to hearing part 2. Some people are 'blessed subtractions' where there is constant struggle and discontentment with the vision, but man it's hard when someone that you've been reaching out to and pouring into decides to go.
The deepest hurt for me personally as a pastor is when people that you have personally discipled and made sacrifices for their growth leave. The worst is when you only know they left because you have to chase them down. You begin to feel utter inadequacy as a leader. This is a strong reminder that we turn to Jesus for our affirmation and validation of our ministry, not man.
Comment by Matt — October 27, 2010 @ 5:39 am
Mike, We have experienced what you are going through. When we moved I felt so "out in the cold". Over time I realized I am like a plant. God had moved us and even pruned us so the uprooting would provide the "going dormant" that was needed. Before a plant can regenerate it needs time to settle its roots and let them begin to grow underneath the surface. Your spending time in the Word is a good way to be fed. It is a necessary transition. In time, we did notice our branches were beginning to produce new leaves and with the new leaves came reaching out. Pray that God will provide all that you need in this time of change.
Comment by christine lawson — October 27, 2010 @ 9:58 am
Thanks! Perfect timing for me.
Comment by Eric Watt — October 27, 2010 @ 12:37 pm
[...] When people leave- Part 1 If you are a pastor, you know how it feels.It’s the phone call, the appointment, the whispered news. “We’re leaving the church.”As much as they say “It’s not about you”, it usually feels like it is. It starts as a lump in the pit of your stomach ….by Greg Surratt [...]
Pingback by Links for 10-27-2010 | littlesanctuary — October 27, 2010 @ 12:59 pm
Thank you. I needed that.
Comment by Scott Hand — October 27, 2010 @ 1:46 pm
Thank you for putting to words what so many of us feel and can't (or won't) express….you are good at that! Agree with all of it! Thankful once again that you are our leader
Comment by Carrie Thompson — October 27, 2010 @ 1:54 pm
I think we learn from it….but it never gets any easier. We are in our seventh year of ministry and have had people leave as mentioned in every scenario presented. I just keep doing what I do…leading worship…my husband, the pastor gets angry and tends to get his defenses up. It can make you callous in the way that you deal with people. Keeping that sensitivity and passion for reaching their hearts is hindered by the wounds we experience…but when we bring it before the Lord, he holds us and heals us and renews our vision. If we stay the course and press on …he softens our hearts once again for the ones he has called us to reach for Him. Carry on!!
Comment by Tina Cole — October 27, 2010 @ 10:40 pm
What I wish could have happened:
I share briefly and honestly with our Pastor and his wife, my family’s reasons for leaving their church, after 15 years of service. Whereupon they pray for us, hug and bless us.
What happened:
We knew that leaving our old church would be taken personally. Telling a pastor that you’re leaving their church, whatever the reason, is like telling a parent that they have an ugly child. To avoid anger and recriminations, we emailed them a letter. It was civil and while we all blessed one another in the end, it was impersonal and left us feeling unsatisfied.
I totally get it that part of the reason for our leaving in this manner was our own immaturity and our difficulty in facing up to “difficult situations.” This is something that I live with. That said, the question that I hope that they (our Pastor and his wife) asked themselves is this:
“What is it about the culture of our church, that makes long time members, feel that they cannot discuss their problems with us, and makes them feel like they have to leave without even speaking personally with us.”
Comment by DB Beem — November 15, 2010 @ 5:27 pm
Great post. Very insightful and well-articulated. Thanks!
Comment by Derek Webster — January 14, 2011 @ 12:55 pm